Tomorrow morning I go to the doctor to get some test results. I’m terrified.

I haven’t had a period since August. I’m about 3 weeks late for September. I’m tired all the time. I’m getting older. And I know that something’s wrong. I just don’t know what. So almost two weeks ago, on  Wednesday, I went to the doctor and they wanted me to do blood work. I’m not pregnant by the way. To save money since I have a health savings account, I went to a separate lab. But since I had to fast, I waited until Thursday morning to go. Except since I had my sick daughter with me, we stopped at Mickey Dee’s to grab her something to eat real fast, before I went to the lab. In the parking lot at Urgent Care (where the lab is located), I ate some sausage and drank some orange juice. It wasn’t until I was ready to have my blood drawn, and the woman asked the question, that I realized that I cheated. She told me to come back the next day.

So I went to work late that Friday and had the blood work done. Last Tuesday, 2 business days later, I called the doctor’s office to inquire as to how I’d be notified of the test results. She said I’d get something in the mail in a day or so. By Friday, when I hadn’t received anything, I called back again. This time she told me that it was too soon. When I explained that I was previously told something different she put me on hold. Then she came back and said the results weren’t in yet (again). When I asked if it would help if I called the lab myself, she asked me to hold again. Suddenly my results were right in front of her. But I’d need to make an appointment to hear them.

I’m scared. This time 8 years ago I was about 5 months pregnant with Lulu. My nephew had just been born about 2 months earlier. 6 months prior to that you couldn’t have told me that I’d be pregnant within a month and that I’d give birth to 2 of the most precious girls in the world. I wouldn’t have believed you. I would have called you a liar and told you to stop it.

Today, I sit here, uncomfortable, confused, and questioning God. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I feel alone, although I know I’m not alone. I have good friends, and I have family (although no one in my family knows I’m waiting on test results), and I especially have my girls. And when they both climb in my bed tonight, I’ll try to remember to be grateful that they want to spend the rest of this night next to their mommy. Even when they’re kicking me or taking the covers off me, or crowding me. In my bed. I’ll try to remember that they love me so much, that I can do no wrong in their eyes, even when I’m not being the perfect mother – which I rarely am. I’ll try to remember that these girls are what make my life worth living.

And I’ll try to remember that sometime after 9:30am tomorrow morning, my life will change, even if it’s in a small way (best case scenario). But as long as I know that God has my back, along with my girls, I can handle it. Even if I’m scared.

Do you serve a good God like I do?